I have been one of the very (un)fortunate people to have recently lost my job. When I say "lost", I don't mean I was fired. I was sort of....whaddya wanna callit....phased out with no notice. To this day there still has been none. Let me explain. I have been self-employed for the last 10 years as a medical transcriptionist which means I type letters and office visit notes all day long. I am one of those people who love working from home. I mean, I lu-hu-huv it. I get to be with my boys, and as a single mother I am also able to provide for us all; i.e. keep a roof over our heads. But then! Stupid Dragon software, that's what. Dragon, if you've not heard of it, is a speech recognition system that basically does the work of a transcriptionist, and in the process the doctors save a ton of mulah by not employing people like myself. Dragon blows. There, I said it. Just because it types it for them does not remotely mean it's correct. I do a lot of editing for these stupid notes-from-hell, and it would've been quicker for me to type it myself. Anywho, I digress. The huge practice that I worked for, after years of putting up with their crap, got that program and implemented it under the cover of night, and unloaded it one Monday. You know how I realized we lost our job? When I say we, I mean the people that worked under me, as well. Yeah, we had to go looking for the documents that were missing only to find them where we normally would save them to. It was a crush to the gut. We all went to bed one night employed and living well (I made about $30 an hour doing that job), only to wake up and have nothing. In less than 24 hours, I was out on my ass and the girls that worked under me were, too.
This has been the hardest three weeks of my life. For the first week I kept it together. I think I was in denial. I didn't mind at first. I just figured something else will come up and it will be okay. Denial City: Population - This Girl. It was almost like I went on vacation. A much needed vacation. That was, until my bank account started to dwindle down faster that my will power at the ice cream bar. NOT a good time.
I'm now into week 3 and some opportunities have presented themselves, but none of those are going to pay what I was used to getting, and more than likely I am going to need to work two jobs to make ends meet once again. As I sat here earlier today, probably on my 573,444,521 breakdown in the last two weeks, sobbing uncontrollably into a ball of snot and broken dreams, I realized something.
THIS EFFING BLOWS - is the part of this scenario I will call ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. We are unable to fix what we refuse to acknowledge in our lives. I decided to take on the idea that I wasn't fired without any notice, I was simply on vacation. I think I was in a blissful shock. And frankly, that's going to have to be the frak okay, because I can't go back in time. And if anything has happened to you that has shook you up down to your core, you understand this feeling. Shock. So once we get our wits back about us, it's time to acknowledge. Write it down on paper what it is that is your issue. Make it real. Look at the words sitting on the paper. Now, you can see it. It's not just something in your head. It's on paper and it's staring back at you, and it's saying "deal with me, woman! I need some dealin with".
I AIN'T GOIN OUT LIKE DAT - is the part of the scenario where you list under your Acknowledgement things that you can do to FIX it. For me, I had to start applying for jobs everywhere and anywhere in my field. I had to be proactive. Then, I looked at how much money I had in my account so that I could plan accordingly against what I owed at that very moment or coming up in the next week or two. I then looked at my expenses and decided what could go. I called Comcast and reduced my cable bill to basic. My kids hate it. Frankly, I hate it, but it had to be done. I wiped a single solitary tear away when I turned in my DVR, because I knew I wouldn't be able to record all my shows and fast forward through the crappy commercials anymore. See? I was spoiled. ha. I haven't cut my trash bill yet, but more than likely I will need to do that, too. The good news there is that my parents don't live that far and I can haul it over there if need be. I had to turn down my heat to 65 and tell my kids to wear warmer clothes in the house (don't worry, they are teenagers. They're just fine.). Thank God it is getting warm out again slowly, because I'm a bigger sissy than they are. I hate being cold. I took stock of my gold, meaning old rings, earrings, etc. and put them all together should I need to take them, too. Hey, it may only be worth $100, but for something I no longer use it will look great when I put groceries on the table. I also started to go through the circular for the grocery store and took stock of all of the things that were on sale that I could make dinners out of. I figured out how to do that on about $50 a week for all three meals including snacks. It may be what I would call "bobo" food when I was young, but it keeps us fed. Sometimes, you just have to improvise. So that was my list and then I acted on it. It's not like I had shit to do anyway; I might as well make myself useful.
BE NICE - the next part of this scenario. I had to remember to make the tape running in my mind saying all the scary things turn into things that were reaffirming and supportive. So when I would start to panic, usually mid sob at my desk where no work lives anymore, I had to say things like "this is going to be okay. Nothing lasts forever, remember? All seasons must change. Bigger and better things are coming for you. Maybe it will be a super hot, totally screwable, rich prince on a white stallion with perfect abs, a health plan and 401k". No, I don't want a guy to save me from anything. I've worked hard. Will continue to work hard. BUT! I'm not going to say no should he show up at the door and promise to love me forever, riding off into the sunset to his jet for the Virgin Islands. Jussayin. So yes, I have said a lot of nice things to myself over the last few weeks. I had to. I learned a long time ago that you need to talk to yourself in a way that you would talk to your best friend; with the highest possible version of yourself, the one that loves you unconditionally. I had to recognize that this time is hard and as long as I'm doing everything I possibly can right now to get myself out of this situation, that there is little else that I can do. So now, when I feel the tears from the stress coming on, I recognize it for what it is, I don't try to fight it, and I give it 5 minutes, and then I cut it off. I tell myself I can only do this twice a day. That's it. I then start to say the nice things and redirect my activities elsewhere following.
I try to remember these steps during any crisis I may have, so that I can refer back to this exact mind state and it usually will keep me going on the right track until I can fix it or move out of it. It's still very hard even now and I'm not saying that every day is a ray of sunshine with me saying loving things to myself all day, but I always remember it and try to apply it. It has helped me quite a bit from dropping off of a ledge. Well that and talking about it. Sometimes you just got to get it out. I hope any of my ramblings here will help you, too, because at one point someone had to tell them to me.
As always, stay blessed and fierce,
Dani
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